Résumé reality check

Your résumé thinks
it’s impressive.
Let’s find out.

Drop in your résumé and get a brutally honest, occasionally kind, fully shareable roast of your career — graded, categorised, and ready to post.

4 secto total devastation
PDF or texthowever it hurts
One nice thingwe always include
Roast My CareerMarketing · Reviewed
Verdict
C+
Synergy Survivor
Spicy
Jordan Lee
filed under “Visionary Growth Hacker & Thought Leader”
The Résumé Review

“A masterclass in saying nothing with total confidence.”

Eleven years of experience and not a single number to show for it. You “spearheaded synergies” and “leveraged cross-functional paradigms,” but I still have no idea what you did between nine and five. “Visionary Growth Hacker” is a title you gave yourself, isn’t it?

The Breakdown4 findings
01Buzzword DensitySevere
94th percentile — impressive, in the worst possible way.
02Quantified ImpactMinor
You wrote “increased engagement.” By how much? A thumbs-up from your mom?
03Career GapsModerate
2019 simply does not appear on this document. Witness protection?
04FormattingHeavy
Three different fonts. Pick a personality and commit.
In fairnessHonestly though — a full decade in one industry takes real guts. That loyalty is rare. Now go quantify it.
roast@career ~ % cat verdict.txtSOFTWARE ENGINEERING
[C+]
> Eight frameworks, zero finished side projects.
Stack Overflow Survivor·HEAT [████████░░] WELL DONE
Your résumé lists every JavaScript framework invented since 2015, but “proficient” is doing Olympic-level heavy lifting. You “architected scalable solutions” — for how many users? Three? Your GitHub is a graveyard of repos last touched the weekend you started them.
// where it lost points
Buzzword Density
[██████████████████████░░]
“Synergy” in a backend résumé. Bold. Wrong, but bold.
Severe
Quantified Impact
[█████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░]
Improved performance by… a vibe? Give me a number.
Minor
Tech Sprawl
[████████████████████░░░░]
14 languages listed. You can say hello-world in all of them.
Severe
Side Projects
[████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░]
A to-do app and a portfolio site to list the to-do app.
Moderate
// in fairness: That said — you clearly ship and you learn fast. Pick one stack, go deep, and the offers will quantify themselves.
resumedive.comGRADE C+
ROAST MY CAREER · OFFICIALLY REVIEWED · C+